Unfinished Education
by ZeldaMoogle
Summary: One year after From Dawn to Dusk, Alexa hops over to Japan to bug Rowen in his late-night studies. It may be the first year she hasn't had something traumatizing happen, but that doesn't necessarily make life any easier. / Oneshot, self-insert character; spoilerific for FDD


**A/N:** Deep conversations between Rowen and Alexa aren't completely out of the blue, but with how Alexa is such a private person, Rowen doesn't know the full extent of how hard August and September are on her.

 _Trigger warnings:_ Suicidal ideation, trauma, victim blaming

* * *

Unfinished Education

Rowen had become used to Alexa texting him at odd hours of the night. One in the morning in Japan was only noon in Ottawa, after all. And when Tessa was incognito due to certain duties at that time, he was more than happy for the virtual company.

So he wasn't surprised when his phone chimed with a text from his girlfriend's sister. _'You up?'_

He couldn't help a smile; the Ronin posse knew very well the odds of him being up at this time of night were more than good. _'When am I not?'_ he replied.

She didn't respond after a minute or two, so he returned to sorting his thesis' research notes in preparation for beginning the drafting process tomorrow.

Glancing at the clock above his desk told him it was roughly fifteen minutes later when a knock from the window behind him gave an answer for the prolonged silence. Dusk's presence was strong, though shielding all but a hint of uneasy emotions from her bearer. The armor dissolved into her street clothes as he let her in through the fire escape exit.

It had basically been a requirement during his initial apartment hunt, considering the necessary secrecy of his spaceborne comings and goings.

"Bored and lonely and everyone else is either asleep or at work," she explained bluntly, adjusting her light sweater around her. "What're you working on?"

He raised an eyebrow, his mind of course immediately equating the fact that "loneliness" was usually supposed to be assuaged by one's significant other rather than the brother. But considering _his_ brother-in-arms was most certainly sound asleep right that moment, he let the teasing comment pass. Instead, he answered her question. "Sorting through all the research I've done so I can start writing my thesis."

She plopped down in her usual spot on the floor of his office. (He was once again, briefly, glad that Ryo had finally decided the city wasn't for him; it made Rowen's late-night escapades much easier to accomplish.) "Part of me's jealous."

The tilt of his head, inviting her to continue as he returned to his seat at the desk, was a habit Sage had pointed out he'd picked up from Tessa. After a few moments, Alexa explained further, "Had I stuck with university I would've done my master's. Settled on the gender divide in plot creation or the linguistic differences between dominant and marginalized groups. But I never stuck with university."

Rowen hoped the look he offered adequately conveyed his sympathy. "Do you...think you might try to go again, sometime? There are lots of people who go back for a degree in their forties and fifties."

Her laugh was bitter. "University nearly killed me. I think I'll pass." Wistfulness flickered in her eyes as she surveyed his paper-cluttered desktop. "Still miss it, though."

"Just because you're not enrolled or getting formal instruction doesn't mean you can't put your own thoughts to paper and see if someone likes it enough to pick up the publishing tab, y'know," he pointed out encouragingly.

She visibly swallowed. "That's not the part of university I miss… besides, who'd take me seriously without the MSSc beside my name?"

Raising an eyebrow, he waved at his laptop, elaborating, "Well we wouldn't have personal computers without some entrepreneur taking someone with a high school education and a big-brained idea seriously. So why not you?" He softened, knowing from prior experience that that wasn't likely to entirely assuage her concern. "What's the part you _do_ miss, though?"

A wry smile twisted her lips. "Everything but the tests." Looking down, she haltingly said, "This is… really the first year that I'm not doing something traumatic over the end of summer… part of me just misses the pain."

"Sort of like phantom limb?" he murmured. "Having something around for so long that it creates an ache in its absence."

Alexa nodded. "I've been… going back to school or thinking of going back to school ever since I was traumatized _by_ school. Then last year was… last year. And I was still dreaming about going back. But, now I… don't know if I even want it anymore when I'd wanted it my whole life, before." She went into rambling mode, but Rowen had no intention of damming the stream of words. "I'd missed the social life but now I have you guys and I'd missed the learning but I can do that on my own and I missed getting out but I have work for that and… I don't even know what's missing, anymore."

Dusk's determined shell had cracked a little more since the start of the conversation. Tenku could pick out that though she said she didn't know, she at least had an idea. He called her bluff with a pointed look and a poke from Tenku.

Just like her sister, she tried but failed to shoot him a glare. "I never got to be a kid and I kept hoping university would give it to me. I would be a kid with a future instead of. Instead of an adult who picked the first degree that looked interesting just to have a degree and get out, instead of going through this track of making a name for myself that's longer than just a name, but would have been official. Some sort of title. Something secure…"

He recognized the doubt and feeling-small emotions in her voice as she trailed off. Remembering how much physical sensory input helped her to wrestle with big issues, he slid off his chair in order to offer her a hug. She readily accepted. "I understand. My own childhood wasn't very secure, either. It wasn't until I met the others I started feeling some semblance of that. I still don't, occasionally…" Flickers of all the times he'd been retraumatized tried to intrude, but he pressed on and ignored them with a will. "I know it's not the same, but perhaps we can help with that feeling. I'm sure you know already, but you can always come to any of us anytime, whenever you're feeling a bit shaky."

There was a pause, and then she muttered into his chest, "I was supposed to be able to do what you're doing."

Smoothing a hand over her hair, he reassured, "Just because it's what she wanted for you doesn't mean it's what _is_ best for you. My particular set of autistic traits and background have been a different mix than yours, so what I can do is different from what you can do— _different_ , not more or less "correct" than the other."

Her arms steadily gripped around his torso. "She kept saying how you couldn't go anywhere without a bachelor's degree and my step-dad kept saying his friend's college final exam was his first project so it was a better education and I took the safe way out I just picked a degree that would get me out of there and tolerate the work and I don't _love_ it but I don't _hate_ it and it's just a job but now I can't afford to go back and I almost don't want to because I'm okay but at the same time I'm… not."

He squeezed her small body comfortingly, hand moving from her hair to rub her back. "It's never too late to go back. And if it means so much to you, I'm sure we could help you find a way. You can do what _you_ want, Little Witch; you are beholden to none but the dusk."

She returned his squeeze. "But I don't know if I want it. Part of me… just hates university but I don't know how to _be_ anyone without… some bigger piece of paper than a three year diploma…"

A quiet exhale passed his lips as he gathered his thoughts. His words came out slowly and somewhat haltingly, as he chose each one carefully. "That can take a while to figure out...and it's. Something we can only help with but so much. However, I think… Maybe if you look at it less like. Having to be a "certified" human by going to a cold building for two or more years. And more...imagining the whole world as your school and teacher. That would be when you figure out who you are as your own person?"

She sniffled softly, a dead giveaway for the start of tears that would likely fall shortly. "That's what she said about homeschooling and why it made me better than everyone who went to school…"

Rowen's hold on her tightened protectively, his father's words ghosting through his mind. The clear imprint of "with your genius brain you don't need to go to school, but someone has to watch you" had been something he'd only remembered last year, but it was as certainly seared into his nerves as any muscle memory. An interesting thought followed that, which he voiced in a contemplative tone. "Our societies sure have made an interesting train wreck of something that used to come so organically to us, haven't they?"

The predicted tears began to dampen his T-shirt, soft sobs muffled against him. "I went to university to prove to myself I could do it, and when I left I told myself I had proven I could, but I was failing classes and couldn't keep up with the reading so I just started college which was more practical and I understood it and she even said I had outgrown my disabilities because I was doing so well then I crashed in third year and barely made it out alive…"

He returned his hand to the back of her head, resting his chin atop her crown. "You're here now. That's all long gone. It's safe...to grieve."

Her sobs intensified and remained constant for a minute. When she was next able to choke out words, she said, "I want to do it to prove I can do it and I want the security the piece of paper gives me but I don't want to go through university again. Ever. I don't want any more exams and I don't want any more tests and I don't want to have to read another thing I barely understand just for the sake of saying I did."

Smoothing his hand over her hair, he murmured gently, "Then perhaps you need something similar to prove, to take its place? Something that doesn't hurt you nearly as badly."

The long pause in her crying indicated a slight shock to the brain; Dusk told him it was because she'd never thought of it that way. "... I don't know what else to do, to take its place…"

Sensing she was a tad more stable, Rowen hummed and drew back slightly as he mulled it over. "Well, you could still write university-like papers. Just because you're not in a class doesn't mean you can't research and write an expose' on something that interests you."

Her voice was dismally small. "Without university resources, though…"

Even had he not already had legal access, that dilemma wouldn't be too big for his white hat skills—though certainly not without risk. He smirked. "I know someone who has access, though…" he singsonged softly.

She sniffed. "I don't want you to lose access to anything because of me…" Her eyes dropped to the sliver of carpet between them. "And part of me… doesn't even know if that'll help, or if it'll be worth it, or if I even want to…"

Dusk was an excellent tattle-tale. Alexa didn't need university so much as she wanted the prestige and validation that she belonged, was just as capable as the next person—as capable as her mother had often said.

"When you think about it, you really don't _need_ university access and paid subscriptions to journals and all that if you just want to talk about what you're passionate about and know from experience. I might be a genius, but I still get a _lot_ out of watching TED talks," Rowen pointed out.

Her small laugh lifted his heart slightly. "So do I… I miss public speaking…"

Tenku sensed the pride and thrill she'd always felt at the challenge that she always had risen to admirably. He smiled encouragingly. "Then why not try, again? Honestly that's probably the best thing you could do for yourself right now—just _try_ a bunch of things you've always been curious about or wanted to learn. You might be surprised what you can find out about yourself in the process."

Tears slid their way down her cheeks again, complete with accompanying tiny sniffles. "Can I just stay here for a little bit?"

Rowen hugged her again, loosely. "You are always welcome to stay as long as you need, whenever you need it."

Alexa took it to heart, shifting closer to better hang onto him as her tears flowed and then slowly trickled to a halt. Once she was ready, he let her lean back and then they both stood. He returned to his desk and papers as she indulged in a rather routine habit of snooping through his bookshelves. Though his back was to her, he made sure Tenku continued to emanate openness if she thought of something else she needed to share or discuss. Once she'd found something to her liking, she flopped back on the floor to begin reading.

 _'I really should get a couch in here...or at least an armchair. Bachelor pad this may be, but I certainly shouldn't neglect the best reading locales…'_

He had just finished sorting everything and was tapping the sheaf of papers into a neat stack when he heard the book thump rather than rustle with a page turn. Turning in his chair, he watched Alexa scrub at her face with one hand. "I don't know how. She… kept…" She kept her eyes on the floor, struggling with words. "I couldn't have interests unless they lead somewhere…"

Sensing another impending and very long conversation, he set the paper stack down and thought about his response, watching her her sadly. After a few moments, he said, "I'm...sure I would have been in a similar way, had Genichirou paid more attention to me. But he didn't, not enough to really know what it was I was getting into at any given time. If he had, he probably would have been appalled I didn't like studying what he did."

Her hand lifted to rub her eyes. "She told me to freelance in writing, then editing, then writing again, then advertising, and if I took any interest it had to have a practical application for her to even consider supporting it." Raking her hand through her hair, she growled, "I'm still naive enough to want her approval."

Rowen turned to sit backwards in his chair, arms folding atop its back as he shook his head. "No, it's not naive. First, you just admitted it to yourself—so you're not unaware of it. Second, it's more…" He paused to roll those words around on his tongue, then changed his mind and restarted the sentence. Staring down at the floor and speaking quietly, with not a little of his own pain, he explained, "It's natural for children to want the attention and approval of their parents. That's not naive, to still wish for that. It can be...difficult, to let go. To admit that that isn't likely to happen, ever, and step out into an unknown thing that is so _different_ from what society tells us it's supposed to be."

Her murmured reply was part sympathetic, part wounded by the past. "In my case, go to university, get a master's, research in an ivory tower for a living. Even though I hate ivory towers— no offence. I was in the social sciences and they have a case of refusing to listen to reason pretty badly. At least with physics you need a certain level of tower-ness to do anything, for all those toys…" Rowen made a quick note of the hint of jealousy in her voice directed at the opportunities he'd been fortunate to find. Scrunching her eyes shut, she continued, "Instead of abandoning everything and everyone for a job doing metaphorical grunt work every day with a bunch of people I've known for a handful of years at best."

"Just because it's not 'academic' work doesn't mean it's any less meaningful or important," he countered. "I mean, without people to cook and own restaurants, where'd those of us in the ivory towers find the time to do the 'great' work? Without the carpenters and architects and masons and other laborers, where would we lay our heads down at night? There are more important things to living than a piece of paper in a dusty frame on the inside of a tower wall where no one but you ever actually _sees_ it. And remember, the guy who made PCs didn't have one of those. You don't get great ideas because of a piece of paper; a piece of paper holds great ideas because of _you_."

Another swallow, this time accompanied by a wet shine to her eyes. "I should be smart enough to do whatever I want, but with trauma… and how I'd be like my stepdad, and, in a sense, all the stories I'd heard about… Tessa's dad." One hand lifted absently to rub her mouth. "Absent minded professors, both of them, and my mom wondering how she ever fell for such intellectuals when, according to her, all they ever did was talk down to her…" In the long pause her thoughts took, the tears spilled over her lashes. "Maybe I just want a degree to prove to her that people with higher education can be kind. Or, maybe, I just want to prove it to myself…"

Heart aching with the emotions he recognized from his own experience, Rowen stood and moved over to her, wrapping her in another tight hug. Cheekily, after a few moments, he asked, "...Does this count?"

Her amusement come out as a half-laugh, half-sob that devolved into more sobbing. She could only nod as a reply, but Dusk filled in the gaps for him. She was exhausted, emotionally, and—despite the love Tessa and her relatively-new friends had shown her—still believed she was a bad person deep down because she wasn't living up to her full potential. Of course, had she followed that logic of her mother's, it was a case of "damned if you do, but damned if you don't."

Alexa was tired of not being able to win, no matter which way she turned; it left her broken in his arms, sobbing the bloody tears which spilled from those cracks.

"I think there's a good reason Kaos gave you and Tessa _Balance_ ," he at last said, quietly. "That's what you're trying to find, here. Your mother wanted one extreme or the other at the same time, but a bridge is not made of only the two points on opposite banks. _Something_ has to span the middle, or a crossing cannot be made."

"I _like_ where I am." Her voice was so incredibly quiet—timid. "She kept saying I was too good to be average but I'm tired of being too good for everyone…"

Dusk finished that thought for her—a sense that she knew Rowen would understand just _how_ much pain that caused. His arms tightened gently around her. "I think that's somewhat what I meant. That there is no shame in average. I may be a genius and wow everyone with calculations and physics and language, but I'm still average in the social department, average at cooking, average at history, average at things that other people do extraordinarily well."

Her chin trembled with held back emotion. "Pretty sure they call that idiot savant… at least, that's what she came close to calling me…"

Rowen drew away a bit, tilting her chin up with two fingers. "Neither of us are idiots. We are people just like every other human being on the planet. The beautiful thing is in our differences, rather than our similarities. If we were all the same, nothing would be exciting and wonderful."

She snorted with a wry smile, looking down. "It's… she kept saying I was too smart for common sense, too smart for others to ever stick with, but at the same time such a spectacularly unintelligent person about most things and… other people were allowed to have average skills and not be demonized for it but I _wasn't_ I had to be good at everything, I had to prove her wrong every time she threw an accusation at me and part of me still believes that's even possible."

"I think it says more about _her_ character than anything that she felt she had to constantly challenge you," he muttered darkly.

He could almost feel her trying to process that remark. In a small voice, she said, "I don't understand."

"People who are secure in their personality and their identity don't constantly challenge others," he elaborated. "Insecure people constantly throw wrenches in everyone else's gears to make themselves feel better, stronger, more in control. She would have felt threatened by you and was in the prime position to be sure you could never surpass her, by completely undermining everything you tried to do on your own terms."

He carefully lifted a finger to wipe away the first of a new set of tears to fall, and she paused as a new realization seemed to strike her. Fresh pain laced her voice. "Her version of me had always sounded so wonderful… I. Keep… wanting to be the person she saw me as. I… still… do…"

Arms encircling her tightly, Rowen pulled her close and tucked his chin over her head, creating a little dark cave for her to hide in. Old pain of his own colored his reply. "I know… I've wished the same of my father—that he would even _notice_ me to have an opinion about what would make him proud." Tightening his grip briefly, and pressing his cheek to her hair, he forged on. "I guess this is what found family is for... to fill in the gaps when what the world gave you isn't sufficient."

As he'd hoped, her body curled up into him, finding refuge in the mini cave. "I… don't know how to… be anyone without those future degrees. I still keep 'anthropologist' and 'linguist' and 'master's candidate' near my heart, and not going for my degree feels like I'm abandoning it all…"

Silence fell in the apartment for long moments while he thought out his response. "When I was little, all I wanted was my father's approval. When I was five, I wanted to be a chemist; six, a physicist; seven, a medical doctor. Not one of them got more of a reaction than "that's nice", a laugh, and a pat on the head, no matter how much I could already spout off about each of those topics at my tender age. Eventually, I realized trying to make him happy wasn't ever going to make _me_ happy, and I _didn't_ want to become a stodgy old grump like him. And I especially didn't after the divorce, going through that pain and knowing that was how _he_ had turned out."

A pause.

"That was when I started looking for Tenku."

"When I spouted off the components of blood at three, she wasn't proud of me. She wondered how she was going to handle me." He could feel her tense. "She'd tell the story of every time I was intelligent to anyone who would listen, always laughing about it and how challenging I was to raise but I'd be so rewarding if I was allowed to achieve to my full potential." This shirt might have to go in the dryer when their conversation was over; his chest was moist with her tears. "I haven't yet. And if I wipe university off the table then I never will, and I want to wipe university off the table because I don't want to be traumatized again and I've got enough education to survive but… how else can I make people proud of me?"

Rowen pulled back just far enough to look into her eyes. "By continuing to be _you_. Tessa, Sage, myself, the others—we have seen your bravery in the face of everything that's happened. We _are_ proud of you— _I'm_ proud of you. As I've said, I know something of what you've gone through. I understand how unbearably painful it is and was at times. We cling to the dreams we had as children because they were all we had, the _biggest_ things we had. But sometimes we grow up and find that they're really quite a bit smaller than we thought, or that what we imagined to be steel and iron is in fact wood and plastic. The meaning is in what you make of your life—not what things like pieces of paper make of you."

The tears continued. "All that open space scares me…" After a pause, she forged on. "Those pieces of paper restricted the future. They made it I couldn't look everywhere and get distracted, and I couldn't do everything like I wanted to because I had to focus on my career, and I'd have a career laid out for me, and this just kept being reinforced by how she… always wanted my interests to lead to money. She'd even say me helping my friends was a sign I should get paid to be a counselor."

He couldn't suppress the twitch of his lip at that damned woman's attitude. "Life is more than money, and the things and ways to get it." Sighing to let the anger fade, he turned his attention back to the first part of what Alexa'd said. "It is certainly a strange feeling, I'd imagine, to be a bird with clipped wings, then suddenly find the whole world is your playground when you've never exercised those muscles before. It's bound to be painful, at first, while you get stronger and more confident."

One hand rubbed her shoulders and chest as if physically feeling the metaphor's implications. "I'm tired of pain. I'm tired of not knowing. It sounds terrible to have just wanted… some sort of plan, some sort of known path. And being…" She went quiet a moment, seemingly struck by a new thought. "Ironic, isn't it, how the one place I want to go is the place I can't. It's like how when you're facing down a potential car crash— you focus on the danger and attract it like a magnet. And here I am, the only thing I'm doing is focusing on the most dangerous option."

His smile was equally as ironic, the one hand still resting on her upper arm sliding up and down in a soothing motion. "It can be quite hard to see when first walking out of a cave into sunlight, and hard to decide which way to go for fear of running into something when you can't tell what's where."

She swallowed especially hard at the image. "I always liked set paths because then… there wasn't any room to think about killing myself. I didn't have to think about life. I just had to do it. And so long as I didn't sit and think, I didn't— don't— realize… what I want. Deep down. And keep telling myself I don't. But I still do. No matter how good my life gets or how many people I promise. I still just want to die."

Rowen was beginning to understand how Tessa always had such strong emotions around her conversations with her sister. All the protective instinct in his body had him pulling Alexa in for yet another hug. "You're ill, Little Witch," he murmured. "It isn't your fault. And you do have things you want to accomplish, goals to work toward. Feeling this way doesn't change that passion at its heart—just makes the day cloudy for a while. It doesn't mean you can't reach through the clouds to the stars."

"I'm… jealous of you." A sniffle escaped. "You of all people know how painful this is but you had the guys at fourteen and you could get away from him. You had school and the guys and… I didn't have anything but an internet connection and a chat window."

"And then Tessa," he reminded gently with a soft smile. He released the hug again, lifting a finger to gently poke her nose. "I know it's not much, but you've said it _was_ something, if not more than that. You can start again. You've _already_ started again, truthfully—you went from Tessa and a few other scattered friends to a whole new pile of friends." Looking her straight in the eye, hands on her arms supportively, he said firmly, "I believe in you. We _all_ do. You can make of yourself whatever you want to. It's never too late to change a course or find a new interest and do well at it."

"People always talk about how you can start over but nobody ever talks about the bewildered look and fear before that," she muttered bitterly.

One hand squeezed her upper arm encouragingly, letting her know it was okay to keep explaining if needed. She grit her teeth in frustration. "People always say it's okay to _start_ but not that it's okay to lose yourself and not know who you are and be this fucking traumatized at twenty two I'm not the type of kid people talk about I'm the type of kid who didn't realize young enough or realized too old and everyone says 'you can change if you want!' but what if you don't want it? What if you just want to sit and have a normal life and be happy in a normal life because it's like everybody else is at least somewhat content at our age— maybe a little lost and maybe a little burned out and maybe a little lonely— but not… _empty_."

"Do you...have an idea, what would fill that?" Rowen asked slowly. Strata put substance to his implication, asking the question about what her dreams were filled with.

Alexa shook her head. "Being empty was survival I… don't know how to be anything _but_. So long as I was empty she could project whatever she wanted on me she could imagine whatever life she wanted and I never had to go against her."

The Ronin sat back on his heels, humming thoughtfully. "Perhaps...wanting to fill that space to prevent that possibility, even a hint of one, anymore…?"

She paused, thinking about that; Dusk projected agreement with the idea but, also uncertainty. "I… don't even know where to start…" Running a hand through her hair, she added, "Which was the problem at the beginning of all this."

Dusk once again betrayed her inner thoughts, glimpses of colored pencils and markers and the corner of a sketchbook with early pencil marks. Rowen put on his thinking cap. "Well...what do you like to do with your time? For example, me loving astronomy. Pair that with my brain and it seems the most natural thing in the world to be an astrophysicist."

She looked down at her hands, rubbing one over the other. "She always said I had to be an artist. How I'd fill up my spare time with drawing, or painting, or colouring. But I never practiced enough to make a career out of it, so eventually she stopped supporting it all that heavily and I just… gave it up."

"You don't have to make a career of something to really enjoy it and get a lot of meaning out of it. I enjoy running, but you don't see me going to the Olympics," he said with a tiny hint of a smile.

That earned him a snort. "I was almost expecting you to ask me if that's what I wanted, seeing as I mentioned her so much…"

His ghost of a smile evolved into a half-smirk-smile. "We've known you long enough to see a _little_ bit of your love of art. And don't forget, I was the first of us in your apartment," he teased.

Her sigh gave away a hint of amusement. Rubbing the bridge of her nose, she said, "All I was really able to take with me were my colouring pencils. I keep trying to build my collection back up, but… it's expensive. And I know any of you would pay for it at the drop of a hat but you're already paying for this trial and… I have _some_ pride…" There was another pause as she thought, a little, almost simply enjoying the quiet. "I've always been an artist. Drawing, dance, makeup, writing… and I'm _good_ at it, too."

The serious edge of his voice was tempered by heartfelt softness. "Then maybe chase that. Or at least it might be a good place to start. We all start somewhere, and there's always somewhere new _to_ start. There is no shame in going back to the beginning, because everyone does that pretty much all the time throughout life—just with different things." Rowen smiled. "I bet, if you watch that collection over a couple years, one day you'll find it's quite large, and you'll look back at all the art and see the path you've taken to get from where you are to where you'll be then."

That seemed to leave her with a great deal to muse on; comfortable silence blanketed the space between them, broken only by the muted murmurings of the city behind his apartment walls. Her soft laugh and a headshake broke the spell. "Here all I want deep down is to be a kid again and what I _did_ as a kid was draw. And paint. And colour. And sculpt. All of my baby pictures, practically, have me at my art table doing something."

He returned the sentiment with a genuine almost-grin and a slightly-louder but restrained laugh. "Meanwhile half of mine have my nose stuck in a book from the time I was strong enough to _hold_ one…!"

She shook her head again. "Meanwhile I hid the first time I read on my own because I was so embarrassed… I was four and the story was Green Eggs and Ham. I think I only read a handful of books between four and ten. Yes this is an opposite thing between me and Tessa." In the brief pause she took to gauge her thoughts, running her tongue over her teeth, he couldn't help a chuckle at the predictability of that last statement. "Of course, then I read fifty four novels in a year…" She blinked rapidly. "Then everyone expected me to keep it up, and to be able to teach myself from books, and I'm smart enough to understand everything so long as I don't read it. But people equate 'smart' and 'bookish' so 'smart' and 'can't absorb knowledge through books' makes no sense. Kids who are smart with their hands don't _get_ A's. If they do they go into a nice, prestigious career with lots of math that makes sense and lots of use of artistic skill, or they get C's and work as mechanics. I'm just another anomaly, everyone expecting me to have a library filled with hundreds of books when really I just pick up random facts from youtube videos and tumblr. I'm not a 'smart kid'. I'm a kid who's not supposed to exist."

Rowen spoke slowly. "I knew a kid, once, who struggled as you've just described. Reading was not his forte, though he made do with schoolwork and all. One of those who could struggle for an A, or work relatively hard and get a B." A small smile flickered across his face, thinking of where that then-child was these days. "Then he discovered poetry. His grandfather had always talked about it, but he was firmly fixed in the more traditional side of the genre. Two years after he started devouring every new poetry book in sight, he found it easier to read other things. It wasn't perfect, of course, but it boosted his confidence." He paused, letting the story sink in. "Can you guess where he is now?"

She rubbed one arm self-consciously. "If I'm right, asleep in Sendai after a kendo tournament…"

He widened his smile slightly, nodding. "Writing his own poetry, flying across the world for the sport he loves, and from what I hear, madly in love with someone who happens to be sitting right in front of me," he half-teased with another quick bop on her nose.

He must have picked up on more of Tessa's habits than he thought over the past year. It wasn't like him to be quite so cutesy. But if it cheered her up...

It worked for a brief instant, at least, garnering a quick smile before an exhale that was almost a sigh brought the conversation back to earth. "He's… still got that protege streak. An _uninhibited_ protege streak. I might be a bloody brilliant salesperson but every day I'm struggling to get out of bed because my demons are too loud."

Of course Sage would still be hiding the extent to which he experienced the same. Rowen may have vehemently protested meeting Tessa when she had been staying with Sage in Sendai, but the Kourin bearer was on a whole different level.

"He may not have shown you yet—but he has quite a few days like that, too. He's brilliant at kendo, and has a limitless passion for it, but poetry is what he truly _loves_ because it showed him he doesn't have to be mediocre at everything but kendo. He's average at a lot of things, and he's not extraordinary at poetry, but he does well enough for himself. And it's not like he has or wants to go do anything extraordinary with poetry. It's something he keeps close to himself because it's so deep, revealing vulnerabilities and things about him to himself he never knew before. The days he struggles to get out of bed because of self-doubt, he writes. He writes to remind himself it's not wrong to be able to tackle Talpa almost single-handedly at the moment of what looks like the end of the world, but then fear the coming day because of the unknown, or because of perceived inadequacy. We are _all_ inadequate at some thing or another, despite what our public appearances may show."

"He's… hinted at that…" Her eyes studied the carpet again. "This… all feels so _big_. It started off with missing something and now it's… wondering how I can even exist with this skillset, this set of traits that looks like they contradict themselves… how I've never seen anyone _like me_ but I'm dating one and I don't believe it because… appearances lie."

Rowen rested a hand on her shoulder again, gently. "I can assure you, I've seen the same things, though it wasn't until you pretty much confirmed my own suspicions about myself that I had a name for similar traits in him. Don't worry, Little Witch. He'll come around to confiding in you with time. It took a year and a half—almost two—for us to become close enough friends he would even tell me most of what I just told you."

He was rewarded with a small chuckle. "We're both exceedingly private people. And his pride— I'm very familiar with his pride. I just…" She shook her head, words caught behind a lump in her throat. "I kept being told nobody would ever understand me but her and here I am surrounded with people who understand from either experience or logic and I don't know what to do with the past— or even what's a lie. Because nobody's experience is mine exactly— I can get A's without thinking like you, but I can't read easily like Sage— but it's similar enough that… I don't even know."

"And it's okay not to know right now," he reassured. "One of the things I've heard a lot is that it's okay not to know what you want to do with your life right now. We're all still quite young; it's unrealistic to expect to have all the answers this second." He shook his head ruefully. "Since we're only human we never really _will_ have all the answers, truthfully. But that's not really what it's all about." Reaching up with the hand that laid on her shoulder, he tapped her temple as an illustration to his point. "Like I said earlier—it's not really written words that count in the end. It's what you do, and hands are made for doing. I type calculations, Sage swings a _bokken_ , and you wield the mighty sakura pen," he finished with a teasing smirk at his clever wording.

That seemed to finally do the trick. As tears overwhelmed her again—tears of relief, this time—he enveloped her in his arms and cradled her as she sobbed. Tenku continued to reflect his sentiments that it was right to grieve however she needed; Dusk in turn radiated appreciation for finally putting her fears into words that made sense. Words that explained the dichotomy between brain-work and hand-work, and that neither were more or less worthy than the other.

His favorite little tune found its way to his vocal chords almost without him thinking about it. The sounds vibrated pleasantly in his chest, and Rowen lets his eyes slip closed to enjoy the sensation and the melody that Tessa had quickly found just as enjoyable as he did.

A watery laugh broke his concentration for a brief moment. _'So that's turned into the calm-the-twins song?'_

The Ronin couldn't resist a cheeky grin. _'Figured if it worked with her, it'd be nice for you, too.'_

Bolstered by her positive feedback, he continued to hum, rocking very slightly with the ebb and flow of the notes. Eventually, it did exactly as Alexa had suggested. The tears dried up and her sobs turned to occasional sniffles. Peace covered them, along with a reluctance to move so as not to shatter that feeling. He could tell that the world made a little bit more sense to her, now; knowledge felt a little more equal, and she felt _okay_ for once in her life.

Rowen certainly wasn't in a hurry to change that. Besides, his paper could wait.

After an indeterminate amount of time, though, she decided it was time to change her scenery. He stood shortly after her, watching as she gathered some spare paper from one corner of his desk, a pencil and pen, and swiped a textbook to use as a hard surface. Rowen didn't mind in the least; he had been about to offer the idea, himself.

Another idea struck him like a bolt of lightning as he retook his seat at the desk. Before it could flee, he twisted to look at her again. "So, how'd you feel about taking commissions?" he asked casually.

Alexa paused, blinking at the non-sequitur. "Never thought I was good enough…"

He offered an encouraging smile. "Don't know until you try, right? And practice makes better…and all that stuff."

She laughed softly. "Yeah. Eventually. Maybe once I feel good enough for one of those illustration boards I spotted on my last trip to the art store…"

"I'd be happy to provide a few for practice, if you want."

Just like Tessa, she had an uncanny knack for shooting her eyebrows into her hairline. "You would?"

A lopsided grin split his face as he nodded. "I'd be honored to help you reach your goals."

The skin of her cheeks and nose darkened with a deep blush. She looked away self-consciously. "What did you have in mind…?"

Though she couldn't quite see it, he smiled softly. "I was wondering if you might brighten up my thesis cover with a bit of color."

Her attention immediately turned back to him, wide eyes riveted on him as the implications sank in. Dusk gave away the thousand-miles-a-minute thoughts speeding by, about how his offer meant she'd get to see his thesis up close and personal and really get to _understand_ the scientific concepts in layman's terms. She practically lit up like a Christmas tree at the thought, a grin accompanying her realization and a sharp nod containing all her excitement.

That deserved a hug, which he offered and she returned fiercely—this one far more triumphant and joyous than the others of the night. She turned her gaze to the drawing she had already begun once they parted, then to his stack of papers. "You, uh, might have to at least _start_ writing it, first…" she teased.

Rowen merely laughed and waved it off. "I'm almost there. Tonight is getting the information in order, then I'll start really putting my thoughts on it into coherent sentences tomorrow."

Alexa pausing a little. "Mind if I stay here till you go to bed…? I'll only have a little bit before Sage wakes up, anyway, by then."

He could tell the hint of amusement was hiding her shakiness at all that had just transpired. Smiling, he assured, "Of course not. By all means, stay as long as you need. It'll be nice to have a little company for a change, too."


End file.
